just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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