I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
