WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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