aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
not ubering you a puppy
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
