I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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