I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
