I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
