I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
