my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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