how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
After last night, I could never be a politician.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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