Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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