if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
