I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
