I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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