I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
