Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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