When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
