I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
