I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
