i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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