You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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