Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
