On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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