The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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