just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
