I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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