Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my shit smells like andre
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
