I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
do nipples grow back?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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