Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
