sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
