You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
