Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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