It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I miss vodka workout Fridays
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
