you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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