Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
