textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.