so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
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I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
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How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
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