i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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