oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
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