I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
