my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
