I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
