His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My cat gives me a boner
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
