im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
