She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
