So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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