My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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