I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
