I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
