good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
