I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I AM VODKA MAN
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
