when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am mentally ready for anal.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
