Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
