he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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