I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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