I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
