I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
