You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
