this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
