My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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